The replacement video card arrived today. It doesn’t work either. FUCK.
UPDATE: I called EVGA and they’re willing to cross-ship me another new card. After I got off the phone I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing? I should try to troubleshoot this thing myself.” So I did, and to the limits of my PC troubleshooting ability, I’m pretty sure it is indeed the video card. I can’t really fault EVGA for their customer support – they’ve been very responsive. But their tech support seems limited to “ship the thing back to us,” from what I’ve seen thus far. Well and good, but my PC is down for probably another week.
I think that, this being the case, I’ll stop by te local Micro Center for some bits tomorrow, and disassemble the whole thing, cleaning every piece, and then put it back together so it’s ready when replacement card #2 arrives.